The New Year...

New Year doesn't seem to have as much significance this time as it did for the previous years. 2009 just means another long year of National Service (with luck, it will be service in Command School after BMT).

How "exciting".. Hmms.

Oh well, duty to the nation I suppose. =\

In the early morning march
With a field pack on my back
With an aching in my arms
And my back that's full of sweat.

I'm a long, long way from home
And I miss my lover so.
With an aching in my heart
And the cold wind blows.

And the cold wind blows
And the cold wind blows
And the cold wind blows
And I miss you so.

I know, I know
You have to go.
So hurry back home
'cos I miss you so.

Lethargy

Ergh, I'm feeling lethargic all over. Not sure is it because X'mas is over, or that I am booking in soon, or a combination of both.

Hopefully I don't end up sick.. Attend B status seems to really suck (apart from being excused from most forms of physical punishment. ^^)

Sigh. I don't know. This morning I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything at all. Sighs.

X'mas gathering @ Sentosa!

X'mas gathering at Sentosa today was fun! Met at around 10am at Harbourfront MRT and then set off for Sentosa. Went to Palawan beach and played frisbee there. We went to eat lunch later and had a gift exchange. I got Clement's gift! A nice dolphin saving box. Hahaha not sure if I will be putting any coins in it, but it's nevertheless good to go on display. =)

After that we headed back to the beach and went to play more frisbee. Towards the evening, we walked over to Tanjong beach because there was more space there. Changed into trunks and swam across to an opposing beach front, where Mikel, Zhao Ye, Nanos, Clement and I drew NUSHS on the sand. Later on Clement and Zhao Ye added '08' behind 'NUSHS'. Took a photo of it. Nice feeling to leave our mark there. I wonder how many people would take notice of it. x)

A shame that the sunset today was pathetic, with clouds all across the sky. But I am just thankful that it didn't rain. Thank God.

After that we headed back to Palawan beach and had dinner. Played truth or dare on the sand. Had loads of fun. Ended the party at around 2145, headed back to take a photo in front of the gigantic X'mas tree in Vivocity before heading off for home. Haha.

The rest of the details can be found on Facebook. Haha.

These are the memories I won't forget, even with my horrendous STM (Short Term Memory).

Book-in in 18 hours. Sigh. Time flies damn fast. Hopefully Hawk Coy gives a long break for New Year Day, just like X'mas...

The more I try not to think about it, the more it catches up with me. I thought BMT life would keep me sufficiently preoccupied with work to flush such thoughts out of my head, but I guess I am wrong. At the end of the day, I am still a civilian when I return to the mainland during book out.

I've a few more months before the chances disappear. At the end, it is only gonna be a heartache, but I will ensure that I make the best out of the remaining time we have left together.

I think I sound weird.

Back for a moment!

Back for X'mas holiday!

Will be going back to Tekong on 26th Dec, 1955 hours.

Zzz.

ENLISTED

===========================

MR ROY ANG HAS BEEN ENLISTED INTO BMTC SCHOOL 1

AT 1300, 12TH DECEMBER 2008

HIS BLOG IS THUS OFFICIALLY DEAD - UNTIL X'MAS DAY

===========================





LOOK AT THE FREAKING TIME.

I've still yet to complete my common app stuff! Have to finish up JHU essay and upload and submit everything together. Ahhh. I really hope I can get into Cornell or Brown.. Forget those top end schools. Who cares about them if you're not the best in the world anyway?

And screw the DSTA form. I'll submit some crap tomorrow morning, and see what turns out of it...

Anyway, back to what I am supposed to be doing...

Enlisted.

I guess this shall be the second last post I make before I enlist for National Service.

Today's the last day of IBN attachment! So glad it's over hahaha. Guess I learnt some stuff here and there, though I wished that I could have enjoyed myself more through the experience..

But anyhow, I'd most probably be serving a bond if I were to get A*STAR scholarship - 6 whole years of it (or was it 5? Better to overestimate this kind of thing xD). Oh well..

That's about all for blogging for now. MUST finish common app by tonight..

Enlisting soon

Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. I am enlisting tomorrow, and my applications are still everywhere.

Sheesh.

I hope the IBN exit clearance doesn't meet too many hiccups. Gonna have to grill myself tomorrow evening to finish all these apps once and for all and submit.

Probably gonna submit crap for DSTA, but hell. I don't care already.

From indifference to reverence.

From loathing to admiration.

From jealousy to respect.

From indifference to inquisitiveness.

(ok not the best of contrasts, but whatever.)

... even if I wasn't blind before, I think I am still blind now.

Sometimes the human conscience goes beyond logic and deduction, and that has never failed to amuse me - especially now.

I'd be tempted to say that love is blind, but I guess it is too early for me to make such statements. I've eyes and a sound, working mind (although it can be logically "imperfect" on some occasions), and I intend for it to be kept this way for as long as my sanity holds.

But what if my sanity breaks?

A*STAR

Whoops! I forgot to blog about my interview yesterday!

A*STAR final round interview was not as bad as I thought.. chairman was a really nice guy, though it got a little irritating when he kept saying "right" to whatever I was saying. Maybe it's out of habit, or perhaps he just wants me to quickly stop so that he can ask more questions - each candidate only had 15 minutes for the interview.

Still get this funny feeling giving me false hopes about the scholarship. Oh well, I doubt I will get into Cambridge medicine anyway, so there.

I'm more worried about the US apps now... schools like Harvard and Yale are probably a pipe dream for me now. It won't be long before the rest of the schools I apply to follow suit. Maybe I should pay more attention to schools like Duke, since the Ivies are probably too insane for me to get into anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't have applied to Harvard after all. I'm just being an unrealistic git.

My blog is gonna be so dead!

Just a note to whoever is reading my blog: My last post for this time period (aka these couple of weeks) will be this Thursday night. The next post will only come on X'mas Day... if I am not away from my com for the entire day. And that post will be pretty short too.

Anticipated topics include: BMT, how enlistment went, BMT, how good/shitty my company CO is, BMT, how my muscles are aching from the PTP, BMT, what I did for X'mas, BMT...

You get what I mean. =.=||

Anyway, I think my JHU supplement is really shitty. It's like, cut-and-paste from every damn thing I could possibly think of now. It feels so... sloppy. Sigh.

And my common app is... sigh. I guess I only have myself to blame for 1. choosing such a boring topic, 2. having a boring writing style, 3. being a bore. =\

Must finish editing every damn essay by tonight - ok maybe tomorrow night. I want to spend my night before enlistment sleeping in PEACE (but I know it is definitely not possible).

OK enough talk. Currently waiting for my turn to see Mr Allan. Grah. Less than 30 minutes to discuss 5-6 essays? Haha Mr Allan is pro if he can clear that. o.O

I am tired. I don't want to write essays anymore..

Screw JHU. Why is the supplementary essay topic so freaking boring? Sigh. I'll think of something tomorrow morning, I swear.

On hind sight, maybe writing that Princeton admission essay isn't such a bad idea? Hahaha at least its mentally challenging, unlike this thing which just forces you to regurgitate the same old rubbish again. Sigh.

OK. Anyway, good night.

4 days left to enlistment! Which means I've 3 days to do the following:

1. Finish all my essays >.<
2. Edit them >.<
3. Submit all my US college apps (AND FORGET ABOUT THEM)
4. Submit application for DSTA scholarship
5. Call collegeboard to send my AP scores
6. Print out all the necessary materials and certify them before submitting to NUS. Considering the supplementary materials for Harvard and Yale, but shall ask Mr Allan first.
7. Round up my stuff at IBN
8. Pack up stuff for enlistment
9. Say farewell to family and friends. =(
10. Enjoy the last bits of freedom before being sent into the hellhole..

Sigh. Time flies.

OK Cornell essay done. Now for a break before I start on JHU. Duke's one should be simple... just two paragraphs, of which I can lift one from another part of some other supplement. Sigh at the rate I am going, I won't know what kind of impression each university will have of me. =\

Essays update!

Lets see, here's the list of essays I'm done with so far:

Common Application
MIT
Brown
Harvard
Yale (reused from Brown)

And the list of essays I've left:

Cornell
Duke
Johns Hopkins

Whee. Looks like I might just make the deadline of 11 December after all. ^^

But I am still pretty darn worried about my Common Application essay.. unlike most people who chose relatively unique experiences, like say, star-gazing or sports achievements or music experience, mine's about something that is really common (and therefore, really mundane). I don't know how I should "romanticize" my essay - or if I should even do so at all.

Sigh. The only comfort I take in, is that my essays are the truest reflections of who I am. Nothing interesting - probably boring and stupid. But yeah, when the results of the university applications return in April, I will probably share these stories on my blog or something. Haha.. see how.

I'm expecting quite a bit of noise from people when I get back from Tekong during X'mas: Early Decision results are out by 15th December. Then we will know who is going where and such. I know Ying Zhen applied to Stanford under ED, but am not quite sure of who else...

Alright. Shall spam a bit of FIFA before I hit the sack. Still gotta work through the rest of the supplements very soon.

I think at the end of the day, I'm just a coward. A spineless, gutless coward.

OK. Shall take things nice and slow...

Listening to Kevin Kern's songs make me relaxed, but at the same time, they make me feel somewhat emo..

Currently typing out a short CV to put into the common app additional information section to highlight my better achievements amidst all the junk in my transcript. As I was typing and thinking back about those awards and stuff, I began to regret. The days in 2005 and 2006 just went by like that, and I never even bothered to think properly about what I wanted to do back then. It's as if I was living each day as it is, just wanting to have fun, get rid of the homework, and get those good grades. Still can remember those times when dad was still psycho-ing me to get CAP of 4.75 before I ever talked to him again about academics or what not. Oh well, he still refuses to talk to me about school work even after I surpassed that initial CAP target. Ah whatever. I just cannot be compared to the RGS girls he teaches anyway.

Anyway, I sidetracked! I was thinking about the times where I wasted on self-indulgent activities, I could have spent it more fruitfully doing things that will benefit others, like making new friends, strengthening ties with current ones, and catching up with the old ones. But no, I did none of those. I don't remember any times when I was together with my level mates doing proper stuff as a cohort during those days either. People must have thought me weird and outcasted me back then. Or perhaps... I've chosen to outcast myself. Yeah. I think it was more of the latter. I once thought myself too good to hang out with others.

Well, not anymore.

But is it too late for this change of heart?

Sigh. So many regrets. So much emotion. So much sadness...

The only thing I hope for now, is to bury my past and start on something more anew, something more solid, something more concrete which will last for the rest of my life. If I did not know what it was like to drift away in the past, I certainly do now.

But I always seem to be picking up the shovel and putting things behind me. When will the day come when I stop disowning who I've been?

Ahhh...

Heck. Back to my common app. Fifa wastes a lot of my time I swear.

Just came back from Changi Airport. Went there to have dinner at Swensens with the people going Australia for astro trip and some others. Wished I could go, but duty to the nation comes first I guess. =(

Sigh. I'm missing everyone already. =(

Now currently chatting with Weiling on GTalk. Got to get back to amending my essays soon.. Sigh I just feel like submitting some half-assed crap and leaving the rest to fate. It's not as if I've many people to evaluate my essays either, apart from maybe some of my friends, my sister, possibly my mum and Mr Allan. Sigh.

I'm proud of my essay to Brown. It's probably better than my Common App (which is the main problem. My common app is BORING). Haha. =)

It's not as if I don't want to, but I just fear causing a misunderstanding. I'm afraid someone will get hurt in the process and this thing just vaporises completely. I don't want to mess things up again because of my impulsive actions.

I guess I forgot to blog about yesterday..

IBN was OK. Spent the morning writing my Brown essays (should be done by now), and doing a bit of lab work. Then went for lunch and joined Zijun to watch the presentations by the A*STAR JC Science award and MOE-A*STAR attachment people at Matrix building. Was so boring.. no particularly interesting projects that caught my attention or whatever. Then again, it's not as if the stuff I am doing is very very interesting or revolutionary or whatever. I guess high school students still have a long way to go before they understand what it means to do "exciting" research. =\

Spent the whole night playing Fifa Online 2. Gah. Really time-wasting I swear, but it's addictive. Lol.

Oh another offer from Imperial for biology.

Nothing mentioned about conditional or unconditional.. but in any case, I probably can't study there, because I just realized that A*STAR NSS-BS does not fund for 4 years undergraduate education, and the course I picked includes the 3 year study + 1 year in research/industry. Ahh why did I even choose that.. must have been goofing around.

Oh well, this leaves Cambridge I guess - probably a reject considering my pathetic BMAT section 1 score and crappy personal statement (reading it again now makes me wanna puke for some reason).

But... I still wanna go US to study! Zzz.. =\

Right here, and I promise you somehow
That tomorrow can wait for some other day to be
But right now there's you and me...

Yeah right. As if. Not with all the essays shuffed up my - nose. -.-

Work's gonna start soon... Zijun won't be around in the afternoon, so this means I'll be stuck in the lab alone with Yifeng. Dies. I will really drop dead this time. >.<

Currently stuck thinking about what topic to write for Brown supplement. PIG? Or research experience? Or rather, follow what my heart says, or what my mind says? Sigh.

And there's still all the other essays to write too. Sheesh.

Got back BMAT results today. Wished I could say I was satisfied with the score, but I guess I really messed up Section 1 badly. Essay was quite a surprise though.. I can't believe my bullshit about "how to tell if monkeys are smart" actually worked pretty decently. I wonder how did Ken Wei do..

IBN today was relatively OK. Didn't doze off as much. Man I'm such a sleepyhead. Pantry visits + talking to Zijun about random stuff keeps me awake somewhat. I guess I cannot live at the workplace without interacting with people frequently. Hahaha.. which is why I cannot survive at the lab I'm currently attached to. Oh well, at least Yifeng's a nice mentor.. not those kind of arrogant upstarts you'd expect of some scholars that just return from overseas, or those well-established researchers and profs that look at students and treat them like idiots. Haha. He's a nice lad. =)

I'm missing people already! Sigh.

What about all those darn essays!

I just finished my application to NUS. Thank goodness there's a 30 minute timer for the online app, but I was fast so I finished it in time. Think I anyhow filled up section 5, but I guess that isn't very important, since I don't think I'm the kind that NUS wants to accept via that scheme. For medicine, I think only people like Yun Zhi or Nat would be most qualified for the discretionary admission... They won't want just darn muggers like me haha.

What else is there to talk about...

Ah nothing. Shall play a little comp and get along with filling brightsparks

Gah I've been putting off essay writing for a while.. at this rate, I'll not finish the essays in time before 11 Dec night - the night before I leave for NS.

Maybe I should just fall sick on the last day of IBN attachment and not turn up. =X

Anyway a short summary for today. WAS SO FREAKING SLEEPY THE WHOLE MORNING + EARLY AFTERNOON at IBN today! Die lah.. looked like a total zombie. Muscles all aching somemore. Don't know why.. Went to A*GA during lunch time to pass up the photocopied transcript and spent some time sleeping in the lab office before resuming work. Was feeling more energetic towards the later half of the afternoon. Thankfully, there's Zijun to talk to. =)

Haha nothing major happened today, though I found the explosion in the fumehood pretty amusing. My mentor brought us a rubber tube to fix onto the air outlet, so that we could direct the air blown out of the nozzle into the falcon tube to evaporate away the chloroform. He also fixed on a micropipette tip to focus the air into a narrow, strong jet. At one point, I tried to adjust the air flow again, so I took out the tube and shut the air. I called Zijun over to help me turn on the air as I directed it into the falcon tube, and the next thing I know it, she just threw open the valve and...

*SNAP!*

The whole head got blown off. The tip shattered and disappeared somewhere behind the bottles in the fumehood. If I had held the nozzle outside of the fumehood... God knows who might have gotten injured from the blast. T.T

HAHA. It was pretty funny though. Zijun kept saying sorry after that. xD

Talked to my mentor Yifeng about the NSS-BS scholarship too, about the bond and all that. Since I experienced that paradigm shift, my thoughts and plans have been rearranged and shifted all over.. and now I'm remarkably more satisfied with the direction I want to head towards. I still think it's a shame I'm slowly giving up the thought of becoming an MD, but regardless, I'm quite happy with the way things are going now.

Work still sucks though.

*yawn* I better get to sleep. Shall try waking up early tomorrow to write essays. I can't think with my mind and body so drained. =(

Convocation

It's really really late. I'll just make a short post here before resuming my work.

Today's convocation day! Arrived at school very very early, at 7.45am to see my sister off for her OBS camp. Then spent two hours writing an entry for JJ's book (yes, 1 prologue, 9 chapters, and 1 epilogue. I rock). Sat idling around for a bit before deciding to join the guys for basketball. In the end, I didn't practice running... again. =\

After a good game of ball, we went to wash up. Kegan and a couple of guys drove out to buy lunch back for the rest of us, so we ate up and quickly headed to dry lab to put on the robe. Robing was pretty quick, and soon we're assembling in the hall and taking photos. Didn't bring my camera, so did not take any photos for the event.. I guess I wasn't exactly in the mood to do so anyway.

Then we walked into the audi for the convocation. Everything went smoothly I guess, but I felt I looked pretty "unglam" walking on stage with the robe flying everywhere. Sheesh. Yun Zhi's eyes were tearing as she delivered her valedictorian speech. She spoke with so much conviction and power, and when she was giving credit to the respective people, she came to her mum and dad, and she cried soon after. The scene was very moving..

I wonder, if I had been in her shoes, would I cry when I thank my father and mother?

Sang the school song for one last time, and then we went down to the hall to receive the Minister Dr Ng Eng Hen. Was glad I didn't have to talk to anyone after that, cos the press was too busy with people like Zhao Ye, Wei Chao, Gregory, etc. So just idled about, eating a bit, chatting with people to pass time, and taking a couple more photos. Tried to do jump shots for the first time too. Lol I swear this is gonna be our level tradition at the rate this thing is spreading. o.O

Returned the robe after that, watched Kegan drive his car around the track, and then headed off to eat at Fish and Co. at West Coast Plaza with a whole group of people. Reached home at 11pm..

To be honest, I feel rather empty and sad inside. No, it's not because of the graduation feeling - I'm way past that already.

Can you imagine how it feels, standing on stage receiving your diploma when none of your family members are around to witness it, or take photographs of it?

Can you imagine how it feels to be greeted by your father when you return home, and the things he say only make you more irritated and pissed off?

Can you imagine how sad it is, when everyone is taking photos with friends and family and there you are, standing by yourself looking at the whole world speed by you?

Can you imagine how it hurts knowing that your parents couldn't give much of a damn whether you are graduating today, or tomorrow, or just did yesterday?

******************

Forgive me if I've just sounded absolutely pathetic and emo. I'm just trying to voice my emotions somewhere. Otherwise... I think I will just bottle up and cry inside.

...

6 years... I've waited 6 whole years, and nothing has changed. He is still the same old he. Am I to believe that my hard work throughout my high school years are just gonna come to naught again?