Nervous beyond nervous

It's no longer a question of excelling or leading, but a quest for survival, for strength, for mental robustness to carry on in spite of the pain and suffering...

Earlier on, I heard a kid singing very loudly from the void deck downstairs, something like "Run baby run... (in the correct tune)", and I smiled to myself. Haha even kids know this song? Amazing.



WE THE KINGS - CHECK YES JULIET

Check yes Juliet
Are you with me?
Rain is falling down on the sidewalk
I won't go until you come outside.

Check yes Juliet
Kill the limbo
I'll keep tossing rocks at your window
There's no turning back for us tonight.

Lace up your shoes
Ay Oh Ay Ohhh
Here's how we do:

Run, baby, run
Don't ever look back.
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance.
Don't sell your heart.
Don't say we're not meant to be.
Run, baby, run.
Forever will be
You and me.

Check yes Juliet
I'll be waiting
Wishing, wanting
Yours for the taking.
Just sneak out
And don't tell a soul goodbye.

Check yes Juliet
Here's the countdown
3... 2... 1... now fall in my arms now
They can change the locks
Don't let them change your mind

Lace up your shoes
Ah Oh Ah Ohhh
Here's how we do

Run, baby, run
Don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don't sell your heart
Don't say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever we'll be
You and me

We're flying through the night
We're flying through the night
Way up high,
The view from here is getting better with
You by my side

Run baby run
Don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don't sell your heart
Don't say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever will be...

Run baby run
Don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
Don't sell your heart
Don't say we are not meant to be
Run baby run
Forever will be
You and me
You and me
You and me

**********

Hmms, tomorrow begins my gruelling journey to becoming a commissioned officer.

38 weeks of hell.

X number of weeks of confinement.

Y number of guard duties.

1 objective: To stay alive.

I can't put my feelings into words now. It feels as if my life becomes suddenly suspended in limbo, as if refusing to move ahead back into the army life, doing shit and being treated like shit all over again. Part of the "growing up" process, it seems, and it can't be helped. I've only to count on my mental strength and physical endurance to see me through the tough times ahead, trainings, lessons, physical activities, outfields and all...

And of all things, God could not have been more important than now.

Wait, what rubbish am I talking about? God has always been important, regardless of the circumstances. Sheesh.

Praying for myself is one thing, but my heart goes out more to my BMT buddy. I wished I could do something to alleviate his pain, but in reality, I am in hardly any position to do so. Powerless. I guess this is best left to the domain of a "higher, supreme power"..

And it's now 2223, and I've not packed my duffel bag nor my field pack - and I am in hardly any mood to do so. What to do, sigh...

I can't bear to leave this "civilian life" behind again... 3 weeks of confinement, away from "civilization", is hardly a nice thing to go through. My family, my friends, my personal habits (playing com games, blogging, idling on Facebook, reading stuff as and when I want, physically slacking, etc.)... all have to be put aside again.

I'm gonna miss block leave. I guess I was really fortunate to have come from Hawk company - one of the more "welfare" companies in school 1, or maybe the whole of BMTC. I can't imagine what kind of shit I'll have to take in OCS, especially if I land in delta wing...

I'll just keep my fingers crossed that I'll land in the same platoon (or better, same section) as someone from NUS High - or more generally speaking, someone close to me. Like, I don't know. John, Jun Wei, Mikel...

Just hope that my future OCS buddy was as good as the one I had in BMT. He never disappointed me (though I must have disappointed him on numerous occasions). Haha...

OK. PACKING TIME. T.T

OCS

Was reading articles talking about life in OCS... and realized that the chances of me going OOC (Out of Course) are very high.

http://armedforces.sgforums.com/forums/1390/topics/62698

Damn nervous... especially for IPPT and SOC. The other things are giving me the creeps too... eeps.

What the...

Today went to DSTA for assessment centre. Was pretty cool la, though the time limit was a little stressful. Saw some of the people who were also applying for the scholarship, and I was like, oh shit I probably not gonna stand a chance against them...

Oh well, what to do.

Think I did OK for the scenario-based assignment, but screwed the presentation to hell. Emails I didn't know what I was writing like half the time. Oh well.

Was eating lunch at KFC in J8 earlier, when I was approached by a Caucasian. He placed a card on the table, together with a green skateboard metal key chain. Reading the card, I discovered that he was deaf and was selling key chains at 5 bucks per piece. Somehow, I was in a good mood, so I took out cash and immediately paid him without thinking twice. He made a gesture of "thank you", and not saying a word, he left. I couldn't do anything, so I just smiled at him and gave him a thumbs-up.

As I returned to my meal, a thought suddenly struck me. All this while there was music playing into my ears (I was listening to my mp3), yet I took it for granted. I took the sounds and music I hear all for granted, and yet this Caucasian man could not enjoy his basic right to hearing. Thank God I made the choice to buy the key chain.

Now, the key chain is attached onto a zip on my Converse sling bag. Don't think I'll be forgetting it for a while now...


Hmm, one white bar up...

Hmm

Posting out tomorrow. Feeling damn sian, yet nervous and somewhat excited at the same time.

People keep saying I'll get into OCS... I hope they are right (and a small part of me somehow hopes they are wrong too).

Then 1st April.. oh man First April. Hopefully it won't be too harsh of an April Fool's day. >.<

Assessment centre tomorrow. Think I'll just go there and have fun. Not expecting too much from DSTA anyway.

Marina Barrage

Visited Marina Barrage with a group of friends today - not quite the usual bunch though. This time the group's smaller, and has a slightly different mixture of people... though in my opinion, it is still more or less the same few in it. Nevertheless, it was fun. Took a lot of photos with my (or should I say, my family's) new Nikon D80. Successfully put the camera's ability to shame. =S

Hahaha, strangely today was the first time I organized (ok, co-organized) a gathering. Quite a hassle, but it is quite surprising how people can respond so spontaneously to a last-minute call. Haha.

Photos on Facebook!

Nothing much else to say, except that I was quite pissed with the shuttle bus service provided there. We wanted to board the last bus back to Marina Bay MRT, but the bus driver refused to let us board because he didn't want anybody standing up in the bus, in fear that he will be implicated for "breaching safety regulations" in event of an accident.

DSTA & A*STAR

I know a horrible friend who is retarded, has a screw loose, is in need of psychological testing, and always shakes people's hands.

Had an interview at DSTA today, and re-did that MoFit test thing. Exactly the same as it was 2 years ago, when I did it for the DSTA Pre-U Scholarship... brings back bad memories. Oh well. Wasted quite a lot of time there just waiting for the DSTA IT staff to reset my account (because I did it before, they had to erase my old account to make way for a new one).

After that made my way to Biopolis from DSTA with a guy from Falcon, Gabriel. Apparently, he knows Seng Teck and Mikel, and he was also taking the A*STAR personality test thing, so we went for lunch together and we talked for a long while until it was time for the test... damn I swear doing 567 true/false questions was not a simple task. T.T

The flame's dying, and I can't find the firewood to keep it going. Might as well throw in the wet towel. So much simpler.

Went to buy a pair of Creative earpieces at Plaza Sing after the test. 45 bucks for a decent pair with good bass and noise isolation... And at least it fits comfortably in my ears this time. Hope it isn't too ex...

Lol, sorry la Seng Teck. x)

Post 1111

1111. Nice number. A shame that my platoon did not have someone with that ID number (the closest we got was 1110. Section 1 only had 10 men. One of the PTIs was quite disappointed when he found that out from us).

Still feeling a little sore about it, but I guess I just need to keep myself focused on other things.

I got a bad feeling that 1st April is gonna be an even bigger heartbreak.

Why is my com so shitty... can't play games without lagging. Zzz.

Pi... I can't believe it. Now I feel so dumb. It's no wonder I ain't cut out for that.

1 down, 6 left

That's one gone.

Oh well, I never expected to get that one anyway.

Now, 6 chances left.

Suddenly I become so nervous, despite the fact that I've successfully waited 3 months without thinking too much about it.

It really feels like lottery to me now...

Gotta be Somebody

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, ohhh

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

*****

Man I love this song. x)

About yesterday

YAY LAN YESTERDAY WAS FUN. L4D is really cool when you play with a group of 7 other friends. =)

Too bad there wasn't any CoD4 though. I wished my com could support CoD4...

Then again, I wished my com could play all the new FPS games in the market. Crysis, CoD4, CoD: World at War, Bioshock... Argh.

Random note: I was never good at CS. Never intend to be.

SSEF 2009 results: I don't need to mention what NUSHS got. Whatever it is, I'd daresay it wasn't up to my expectations. Ah well, there's still next year, and the year after that, and the year beyond that...

NJC did quite spectacularly though. 6 (or was it 7?) golds... imba.

"Your Heart in Mine"

I keep falling, falling, into your arms again.
I'll keep falling, falling, until you pick me up.
I will stand up before you, look into your eyes.
And I know... I know. I see your heart in mine.

AHHH. Currently in school. Gonna play L4D later I think. Hehs. xD

POP loh!

Yay!

Haha I'm too lazy to blog about anything else, unfortunately. This includes whatever happened today, as well as last weekend...

Ah well. Tired la. What els can I say? T.T

Gonna POP loh!

Ehh, this week nothing much I think. Lemme try to recall...

1. Games day! Haha because of wet weather, school 1 only played 3 games: Multi-side volleyball, tug-of-war, and cheering competition. Sad to say, we did horribly for all 3, though the judges did not do our cheering justice (we were disqualified because we sent the whole company up to cheer when only 30 people were allowed to cheer -.-)

2. Recruits' Evening. Hmm, lets just say that Hawk's reputation has been successfully ruined by my platoon's performance. Standby ASS, baby. xD

3. Graduation Parade Rehearsals have been absolutely f***ed up. Yes, both of them. Had to march, run, and shout in the rain, and fell ill because of that too. Gah. So much for an army life, huh. >.<

4. I got earlier book out than the rest today! Hahaha because Hawk drill squad came in top for the prelims, the commanders decided to let us book out 3 hours earlier than the rest of the company! And we got to skip the whole standby bed too. Whee. xD

5. Freaking hell, I've offloaded most of my stuff at home today (carried it home in duffel bag, and I tell you it's no joke carrying all that shit), but my bunk still got a lot of stuff. Looks like I'll have quite a heavy load to carry for 24km route march.. Gee. =(

6. Oh, A level results released tomorrow - or rather (as my sergeant loves to say) today! Jiayou to everyone who's getting his/her results! =)

Hmmm, nothing else to say for now, except the fact that I am still alive and kicking at 3am in the morning. o.O

In the early morning,
I wake to see the golden sunrise.
The view from the window's fabulous
Yet far from perfect
As the cold wind blows and blows.

I put on my smartest suit
And slipped on my shiny shoes.
But I stare in the mirror, puzzled.
"Something's missing," I mumbled.
As the cold wind blows and blows.

Back to work, walk through the glass doors.
Said hi to the counter girl.
My workspace had no one.
Still wishing for a someone.
As the cold wind blows and blows.

Six on the dot, off to dinner
Alone in my usual corner.
Turned down a date with Beau,
Still waiting for you,
As the cold wind blows and blows.

Night falls, stars appear
Sparkling across the sky.
It would've been a wonder to see,
With you right beside me.
As the cold wind blows and blows.

The day is gone, I fumble in bed,
Shivering beneath my sheets.
Wondering if you were cold,
If only your hands were mine to hold.
As the cold wind blows and blows.

This weekend's been alright

The past week has been... pretty decent.

1. Finally passed IPPT (albeit not exactly "proper", should I say)

2. Cleared all the SOC obstacles and full rundown for the first time. Still failed timing though, I think.

3. Finally got drill squad performance over and done with! Hawk drill squad sure win! *ego*

4. Went to watch Slumdog Millionaire with the usual company. Lol. Great show. No wonder it won 8 out of its 13 nominated Oscars. =)

5. Still waiting for one fine day to go play LAN/picnic/hiking/clubbing/drinking/do something wild.

6. Went for MDC auditions today at Nee Soon camp, then realized that I didn't need to be there at all (it wasn't compulsory), so withdrew my registration form and quickly left. I came to realize how "beautiful" BMTC actually is, compared to the rest of the SAF camps... T.T

7. Oh yes, I bought the game Spore. Lol, quite fun to play actually. It depicts the path of evolution (of mankind) very well, and as promised, it is entertaining to all ages. I'm trying to see if I can get my sister hooked onto the game. xD

Oh shit, no time to continue blogging already. Book-in timing: 1740... AND I HAVE NOT WORN MY BOOTS OR PACKED MY BAG. *dies*

The key to stop thinking about something - or someone - is to keep the mind occupied with something else - or someone else. I will not lose mental focus because of emotions... again.